Let me stress how aware I am of the somewhat schizophrenic situation I am in, working for one of the finest alcoholic beverages wholesalers in Europe and about to explode on some rubbish talk on alcohol I came across this week. I know I have to walk on eggshells since alcohol is potentially a serious danger to those who use it carelessly. Alcohol can cause serious damage, and yet I daily sing the praise of great beer – the world’s most popular alcoholic beverage. It’s tough. And thus I well-nigh explode when I read the sort of rubbish published this week on the site of Metro, a free daily newspaper.

Healthy alcohol
The caption: “Getting drunk responsibly on frozen cocktails”. WTF?! The reporter, Miss Ingelise de Vries, clearly hasn’t got the faintest clue on the subject. “Alcohol is, because of the (large) quantities of sugar, not the best way to lose weight.” Right. There is no sugar in alcohol, Ingelise. Alcohol is made from it.

Then she starts quoting Mr. Moayad Abushokhedim, whom I do not know. “I was early in life fascinated by alcohol. I saw people put bottles of wodka in the freezer and couldn’t understand why it didn’t freeze over. Why can you freeze everything but not alcohol?” Well, Moayad – you can. It just doesn’t freeze as easily as water does. Had you paid more attention in science class you’d have known.

Mr. Abushokhedim pops his cork even more. Not because of his claim to now be distilling his own wodka and rum, but because of this: “After three years of research I figured it out and now I can freeze it! It’s the world’s first healthy alcohol, thanks to my process!”

Seriously, that’s what he says.
The world’s.
First.
Healthy.
Alcohol.

Because of his freezing process, he claims, the body “treats alcohol as if it were water. It does make you drunk because it contains 18% alcohol, and so you shouldn’t drink too much of it.”
How come a journalist gets to type this, and manages to get it published? Was no-one at Metro paying any attention?

Seriously: no way your body will ever treat alcohol as if it were water. It’s alcohol, and when enjoyed moderately and sensibly, it can be a pleasurable experience. Of course you should never drink too much of it. There is no such thing as healthy alcohol. And there is no such thing as ‘getting drunk responsibly’.

Bavarian barbarians
And just when you think life cannot possibly get any worse, it just suddenly does. Dutch family brewer Bavaria has launched a marketing campaign by starting a petition to have carnaval be declared an official national holiday. “Carnaval is such an important event in the southern part of The Netherlands, it should be a national holiday”. Sjefke Varaen, a character modelled after a proper freedom fighter (Che Guevara) is fiercely advocating the petition. Paid for by Bavaria, of course.

Bavaria naturally realizes it will never work, but hey – it’s marketing! And what do we do during carnival? Drink irresponsible amounts of beer – the stuff Bavaria makes.

Please, PR & Marketing! Take off your boeren kiel and funny nose until carnival really starts and do not abuse cultural aberrations for cheap company gain. Should you really want to make a good point, launch a campaign for alcoholfree beer during carnival. That would be really something!